Lost and Found

I’ve always loved the ocean. This statement is probably unsuprising asI grew up on a small island surrounded by water. But my love of the ocean has only really grown recently. I love how vast and unknown it is. I love that you can go under the water, eyes closed and let the waves wash over you. The peace and serenity you find under the water, in the near silence that exists is amazing. It’s one place where I truly feel like I can be completely immersed in one specific moment and experience where nothing else matters or exists. Being underwater, with just me and my thoughts, allows me to connect with myself in an unexplainable way.

That self connection is something I’d lost for a long time.

I thought losing yourself was a fictional trope that didn't exist in real life. The character device to use right before the character embarks on a major life change. I didn't think it actually happened to human beings outside of books, movies or songs.

And then I lost myself.

It’s so easy to get lost. In what’s going on in the world, in a partner, in friends, in family that you forget to cultivate the one relationship that matters most.

And it's unnoticeable, you don't realize things have changed until you gradually begin to cultivate that relationship with yourself again.

It wasn’t until now, coming out of months of feeling restless and lost that I noticed I’d completely disconnected with myself.

My life was about other things, I'd do as much as possible to not spend time with myself and my own thoughts. I became a backseat passenger to my own life. I put all of my energy into relationships with other people. Cultivating my best self, my peace, my peace of mind changed from being a priority to an afterthought.

I’d lost me, I’d lost that little girl who liked to take on new challenges and try new things. Who wasn’t scared of trying new things and who was open to the future and all the possibilities it holds.

Most scarily I’d lost joy. I can see in photos my smile wasn't reaching my eyes. The happy, joyful human being I'd grown to know over the past few years was gone and replaced with someone I didn’t recognize. But I was unwilling to fix it and fix those things in my life that were changing who I was and I kept avoiding doing the internal work to recognize exactly what those external issues were.

And since March gradually a lot of those external things have fallen away and allowed me to reconnect with myself.

And it's felt like coming up for air after being underwater for so long.

I feel like I can breathe easily again. The my lungs aren't barred down by the weight of anxiety and confusion. I can see clearly again, I can see who I am and what I want and what I need in ways that I'd lost for so long.

And maybe this is temporary. And maybe I'll feel lost again. And maybe life is just a series of waves rolling up and down until we reach the shore and this is just only one part of the ride. Only time will tell.