In 2022 almost everything went to exactly plan. My last year in formal education went well, I got a second degree, I got a post-grad job. I was happy in basically all parts of my personal life for maybe the first time ever. The year went exactly how I'd imagined it would go in 2021.
And then 2023 was the year nothing really went to plan. I felt what can only be described as stuck for more parts of the year than I care to admit. I spent more time questioning myself and my decisions than I did living in them. I felt frustrated and at times only could focus on what I'd classified as the negative parts of my life. For the first time in recent memory, I couldn’t rationalise my way out of sad and hard scenarios and felt that I couldn't always make the changes I wanted to. So many things felt like they were entirely out of my control. I felt genuine sadness in a way that I haven't experienced in a long time and all of these things have made it a lot harder to think about the good parts of this year.
But there were so many good parts of the year and there is so much good in my life. I saw new people and places. I found community through fitness I didn’t think I ever would by running in groups and just running in general. A very simple movement on two feet allowed me to practice gratitude on a daily basis even when it felt impossible. I felt more like me than I have ever before even if I also simultaneously felt directionless. I became a better friend, sister, daughter and partner. I started making silly little videos on the internet that people seem to want to watch and have found a creative outlet that makes me feel fulfilled in a new way.
When I started this blog a few years ago I think I was looking for myself. I didn’t understand who Shanyce at 21 and 22 was because I had changed from when I was 18 but I didn't understand who I was as an almost adult. This year I got what I was looking for when I started putting pen to paper during the pandemic and wrote about how I was feeling. I may still not completely understand what I want out of this largely confusing chain of events called life, but now I can say that I know who I am. I know my values. I know the good bad and ugly sides of myself and I accept them. I feel confident in my body, mind and personality in a way that my younger self always quietly wished for. And that’s good enough for now.
I also learned this year that no one knows what they’re doing at all and I've felt a lot of comfort in that. That I’m not behind because I can decide what’s ahead. I’m the author of my own story and my life is entirely my own. The prospect of that is scary but I'm learning to inhale fear, exhale doubt and keep going. And that any steps I take, even if they feel minuscule and unimportant, are steps forward.
When I was 18 I didn’t think my life would look like this at almost 25. I thought I’d have a lot more figured out. But I wouldn’t have written it any other way.
So I guess, thank you 2023 for what definitely can't be classified as the best year but may have been one of the most important years for me so far. Here's to whatever comes next.
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